Suicidal Suzie sure made us all laugh each time she tried to commit suicide. That was her intention, I suppose. She was a love-starved, attention-seeking, loopy doopy loony as I called her—a kind of a sneak a peek, look at me, but don't speak. So I guess that's why she was always trying. But somehow she just couldn't do it. She was a complete failure at suicide. I noticed how depressed she got when we ignored her, so I encouraged her to keep on trying new techniques. My goal was to help her become an attempted suicide attention-seeking success. I told her that she could write a humorous book about all her failures. She was inspired by the famous quote, “If at first you don't succeed, try, try again.”

So that's exactly what she did with all kinds of funny harmless liquids, foods, and gadgets. One time she hit herself over the head with birthday balloons about a thousand times and … still, no suicide. But she got plenty of laughs and the attention she craved. Next, she tried to cut her wrists with a frozen stick of butter. It was a slip-slippery attempt … again she failed. But the chuckles were there so she was more than pleased. She even tried to swallow a 27-inch Sony TV, and still alive and ticking. Can you imagine trying to drown yourself in a glass of milk? That's right, she tried— not thirsty anymore and still breathing.

After many failed attempts, Suicidal Suzie was living proof that not everybody has that talent. Finally, I told her that maybe her talent was in living and giving advice to others into not committing suicide. And that's what she's been doing ever since.